Personal Life

Another School Shooting…

Y’all my heart is broken and Wednesday night I wept for children that are not even mine and for parents that I don’t even know.

If you  haven’t heard yet there was a school shooting in Benton Kentucky on Tuesday. Two people were killed and 18 people were injured. Not to mention the countless amounts of people who will be emotionally injured/scarred for the rest of their lives.

This school shooting in Kentucky has me shook. Shook because every time I hear about something like this happening I think about my own children and how powerless I would be to protect them in a situation like that.

My boys

I want to forever shield my boys from pain and from suffering but I know that is unrealistic. Shielding them from pain and from suffering will not help them grow. Coddling them will only turn them into weak adults. Yet still I wish I could absorb every bit of pain they will ever endure. 

And every time something like this happens I think of the tragedies that have come before it…Sandy Hook pops to the forefront of my mind. I could not imagine. I shudder to think what it must have been like for those parents to bury there once active, loud, talkative, and energetic toddlers. I wonder how people survive something so tragic.

Last year I lost my Dad and it turned my entire world upside down. It has been six months since he died and some days I feel like I will always carry around a small cloud of grief. That even on days when the sun shines the brightest and I am having the time of my life I will always have a pang of sadness.

Thanksgiving 2015
Thanksgiving 2015

 

I lost a Dad, I could not imagine losing a child. I find myself all the time saying “I just need this to make more sense. I need it all to mean something.” I drive myself crazy because there doesn’t seem to be any order in the chaos. It puts a hopelessness in my heart that I cannot shake sometimes.

Wednesday night when I picked Jacob up from work, as we sat in my car I sobbed and told him how I really needed life to make more sense. How it still blows my mind that someone can be there one minute talking to you, laughing, living, and breathing, and the next minute they’re gone. That’s what happened with my Dad. We laughed, we made jokes, and we cut up like we always do until all hell broke loose and a few hours later he was gone.

Sometimes in my hopelessness I ask, what can we do in the face of such evil and chaos? And then a still small voice reminded me that “Kindness creates a ripple effect.”

I don’t know that child’s motive for walking into his school and opening fire on his classmates. But I would argue that you do have to be a certain level of lonely and sad to want to kill other human beings. Either that or you’re just a psychopath, which that is possible too. But believing that kindness creates a ripple effect provides me with a certain amount of hope. Hope that being kind may impact someones life in a major way even though it’s such a small thing.

So what can we do in the face of such chaos? We can be kind and hope that it changes someone’s life for the better.

be-kind

Brave Bonnie

 

Personal Life

Struggling to Manage My Weight

I am continuing to struggle with my weight this year. In August 2017, I finally got down to 200lbs. I started at 225lbs after the birth of my second son. I gained 70lbs while I was pregnant. FML…Then my Dad died and it threw my entire world off balance.

Here we are in January and I’m almost at the same weight I was after giving birth to my second child: 215 lbs. Womp womp. It’s discouraging at times,  but then I remember I need to have grace for myself.

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I think I wear 215 lbs well, but still…I want to get back to where I was.
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I want to get back to the girl on the right. I was 236lbs in the picture on the left and 160lbs in the picture on the right.

I’ve realized though that a lot happened this past year and sometimes food is the way I cope. Why? Because food makes me happy. You know people say “Don’t reward yourself with food, you are not a dog.” But to those people I say shove it. I like food, and there are times when food is an accurate reward.

 

There is nothing quite like the reward of a salty bag of chips after a long day. A long day in which you did not throat punch anyone, or tell anyone to go f*** themselves. Sometimes those days require a reward, i.e. salty chips.

All that being said, it seems I need to change the nature of my relationship with food.

My goal weight: 170 lbs. The smallest I have gotten down to was 158 lbs, but I don’t think I want to be that small again. I also don’t think that is a sustainable weight for me. I would rather be 170lbs with a little bit of muscle on me.

I have lost weight before so I know I can do it again, but man each time it gets a little harder to do.

In 2012 I lost 80 lbs on Weight Watchers. Between weight watchers and running 20 miles a week the weight melted off. The running routine was hard to maintain once I had two kids instead of one though.

It is time to come up with a plan and some strategies to get the weight under control. One thing that I have been doing is not eating after 7:30 p.m. I might move that time up to 7:00. So far I’m doing well with that habit.

The Plan:

–> Workout Monday-Thursday or at least three days/week

–> Eat less carbs but not completely low carb

–> Track food using Lose It app. This is the most user friendly free app I have found to track food on

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Here is what the interface looks like. The app icon is a picture of a scale.

–> Get at least 10,000 steps a day

–> No food after 7:30 p.m.

I have to fight for every single pound I lose, and sometimes I think its just not fair. Then I remember losing weight doesn’t come easy to anyone. Just look at majority of America. As my boyfriend reminds me I don’t need to catastrophize and act like things are worse for me than they are for everyone else.

I am working for this, not because I want to be thin, but because I hate feeling heavy and feeling like crap when I don’t take care of myself.

And because everything is better with humor, prepare yourself for a lot of weight loss memes.

Funny Meme

 

Brave Bonnie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Office Life

A Fresh Start <3

My last day at my old job was Friday, January 5th. That came very unexpectedly. I thought I was going to have to stick it out for another week but my boss graciously allowed me to use my vacation for that last week. 

It is always scary starting over in a new place with new people. But I guess you get used to it. I mean this is my fourth job since graduating college. It’s kind of like birthing children, every time gets easier.

My first day was Monday January 8th. I will say, I’m on day 5 of the new job and while I miss my friends, I am DEFINITELY enjoying this new work environment. 

My new work environment makes me feel like I work at Google or Facebook with its open work space, super chill music, big windows, and comfy chairs. This job is definitely the polar opposite of my other job.

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My workspace. Right in front of a big window so I can see outside.
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Comfy chairs are my favorite.
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We also have an abundance of ceramic mugs.

 

There are a LOT of positives to this new job: 🙂 

  • I have a large and comfortable work space

 

  • My desk is right in front of a gigantic window so I can always see outside

 

  • I have no employees reporting to me so my interruptions in a day are minimal

 

  • I love listening to music and headphones are encouraged to minimize distractions since we are in an open work space 

 

  • There is a minimal amount of structure to the program that I am working on so I have plenty of autonomy. I am a planner and I love starting things from scratch so that is exciting for me. 

I’ve been here five days and it seems like they are going to trust me to do the job they hired me to do. No hovering over me asking me what I’m doing. Lots and lots of trust. This is good…I self manage really well so I appreciate that so much. 

This year is definitely starting out on the right foot. I am working on returning to my optimistic ways so I can focus on all the good there is in my life right now. I believe there is a lot of good coming my way and I am ready to receive it. 

Brave Bonnie